Accrual

Jane: You're the best dad ever.

Dad: Thanks!

J: And I really like you.

D: That's very nice. I like you, too.

J [pauses, then calculates]: If I say one more nice thing I get a candy, right?

Pop Culture

Overheard while Andy was in the bathroom drying his hair:

Andy: Oh yeah ... I'm like Bieber!

False Advertising

While driving along on vacation reading the signs on the road.

Kate: Hooters? What's that?

Mom: I think it's a store that sells owl stuff.

Kate: Mom, don't be silly. It's obviously a restaurant owned by a man named Hooter.

Maximum Cuteness

Dad [following a particular cute response]: Lily, could you be any cuter?

Lily [thoughtfully]: Hmm, I don't think so.

Love Recipient

Jane [in a voice only a three-year-old can muster]: Dad, did you know I love you?

Dad: I do now.

Jane [flatly, picking up the stuffed horse next to her]: Did you know the horsey loves you, too?

Dad: That's news.

Back Off

Jane [apparently perturbed at being pushed around by siblings]: If they touch me one more time, I'm going to 'grrrr' at them.

Dad: "Grrrr?"

Jane: Grrrr

Genuine Prayers

While driving to church I was talking to Andy and Kate about fasting now that they've been baptized and the importance of picking something to pray about. [For them, fasting means skipping one meal and praying about something specific. Jane isn't old enough to participate yet.].

Mom: So what do you want to fast about today?

Andy: Being free. [Sounds reasonable].

Kate: The men who fight for our country. [Naturally.]

Jane: I'm gonna fast for candy.

Nothing Worth Hearing

Mom: You have to put on your hearing aides before school.

Andy: I don't want to hear people.

Note: Andy's hearing aides are blue and white swirled to show everyone he's a BYU fan. It's the only way I can convince him to wear them.

Submission

Lily [to Mom]: You're not the boss of me.

Mom: Oh yes I am. That's exactly what I am.

[Mom sits on Lily and tickles her mercilessly.]

Mom: Say I'm the biggest boss ever.

Lily: You're the biggest hot dog ever.

Identity

Dad: Do you know my daughter? She wears a red shirt.

[Kate holds up a red towel in front of her shirt.]

Dad: My daughter is 6-feet-tall.

[Kate stands on her tip toes.]

Dad: My daughter has glasses.

[Kate forms rings with her fingers and holds them to her eyes.]

Dad: My daughter knows all her multiplication tables.

Kate: No she doesn't, dad.

Moral

Kate [while watching Sleeping Beauty]: None of this would have happened if they would have just invited the wicked queen to the birthday party.

Dad: That's the moral of the story, yeah?

Kate: Yep. Don't leave people out.

Good Ideas Abound

Kate [after submitting an idea for a new word game]: It's a good idea.

Dad [encouragingly]: Yes, it is.

Kate: All my ideas are good, Dad.

Bad Ideas are Easy to Spot

Mom: Kate, you don't even know what a bad idea is.

Kate: Yes I do! For example: jumping into a pool filled with sharks.

Physical Constraints and Reality

Kate [after discovering her handwritten note to the Tooth Fairy, with accompanying tooth, in her parents' closet]: Mom! Why do you have my note to the Tooth Fairy?!

Mom [after considering whether or not to level with Kate]: It's me. I'm the Tooth Fairy.

Kate: Mom, don't be ridiculous. The Tooth Fairy is small and has wings. And, anyway, you can't even get up early in the morning.

[Editor's note: After subsequently interviewing Kate about her experience and asking her opinion why Mom would tell such a fib, Kate confidently told me that Mom was likely just trying to assume the Tooth Fairy's credit.]

Lexicon

Jane: I want Cheez-Its® for breakfast.

Dad: Cheez-Its aren't breakfast food. They're for snacks.

Jane: Okay, I want a snack.

À La Carte

Jane: How come you gotta have 3 kids?

Mom: Because I wanted to have you.

Jane: But you really just need one.

Mom: Which one?

Jane: Me!

Growing Pain

Jane: My leg hurts.

Dad: Why does it hurt?

Jane: Because I ate a lot of food.

Resources

Kate: A hypothesis is "an idea you can test."

Mom: And how do you test a hypothesis?

Kate: By looking it up on Wikipedia.

Original Humor

Kate [immediately after waking up]: I have a good joke! You wanna hear it?

Mom: Of course.

Kate: What bug controls time?

Mom: What?

Kate: A tick!

Awesomeness

Mom [to Lily]: Are you so awesome?

Lily: Oh yes I am!

Sleep Patterns

Dad [to a tired and grumpy Kate]: You need to go take a nap.

Kate: I don't take naps; I'm not nocturnal.

Gratitude

After making cupcakes for dessert to celebrate Jane's Princess Party earlier in the day.

Andy [expectantly points to a cupcake]: Is that for Jane?

Mom [not really paying attention]: Uh, yeah.

Andy [throws both of his hands back in exasperation]: Ah — thank you very much!

The Worth of An Apple

Lily [who is playing quite loudly]: I want an apple.

Dad: You can have an apple if you can play quietly.

Lily [literally waves her hand in dismissal]: I don't want an apple.

Mom(s)

Kate: If you were a girl you'd be my mom.

Dad: If I were a girl you wouldn't be here.