Chocolate-Covered Tennis Balls

Kate: I don't think life is like a box of chocolates. I think it's more like a tennis ball.

Dad: How so?

Kate: The rolling is the living and when it hits a rock, it dies.

Meredith Through and Through

Kate: I'm so glad to have Daddy home. I really missed him.

Andy: (completely deadpan) I missed Dad's car.

Time Constants

Kate: If a boat crosses the international date line and gets struck by lightning at that exact moment, it changes time.

Wildlife at Home

Spotted in our backyard, this deer was enthralled in a standoff with Cassie. They held each other's gaze for several minutes while Steph tiptoed closer and snapped pictures.

Wide Awake

Jane: Hey, where's my toy?

[Jane exclaimed this clearly, in full volume, sitting bolt upright after being dead asleep a moment earlier.]

Thanksgiving in the Mountains

No, not those mountains; the other mountains.

Reasonable Santa

Mom: Kate, I'm thinking Santa might not be able to bring you a real deer costume that can actually fool the deer into thinking you're one of them. You remember hearing the gun shots outside the other day--that's because it's hunting season. I just don't think Santa would think it's responsible to give you a costume that would make you look like a deer during hunting season. He wouldn't want you to accidentally get shot.

Kate: Good point Mom. I'll reconsider.

Final Word

Kate [viewing a range of Thanksgiving hors d'oeuvres]: I do not like mushrooms; end of disgustion.

Fire Chain of Events

Jane [Immediately after dad gets the (real) fire in the fireplace going]: Is that fire?

Dad: Yes, and what happens if you touch it?

Jane: It hurts me?

Dad: Yes, you'll get burned. It will hurt very bad.

Jane: And I'll have to go to the hospital?

Dad: Yes.

Jane: And get surgery?

Dad: Um, sure.

Jane: And lost of other stuff?

Dad: Yes, lots of stuff.

Jane: And then I'll get presents?

Articulating the Source

Dad [good-naturedly, after waking up the kids late for school]: Kate! What's wrong with us?

Kate: Actually, I think the real question is, "What's wrong with you?"

Juxtaposition

Kate: Did you realize that love spelled backwards is "evol" (pronounced "evil")?

Jane and Her Brother

Retail Price

Kate: I wish everything here was just free.

Four Quarters

Kate: It's not expensive, it's only a dollar.

Dad: Do you have a dollar?

Kate: No.

Dad: Then it's expensive, isn't it?

Extraction Methodology

Kate [holding a just-finished cob picked bare of kernels]: My hands are really buttery, how do I get the little handles off the ends of the corn?

Dad: Pardon?

Kate: I said, "My hands are buttery, how do I…"

[the cob slips and unceremoniously drops to the floor]

Oh, I guess that's how.

Nest Egg

Kate: Mom, do you have any quarters? I just need 3 more.

Mom: Why is that?

Kate: So then I'll have a dollar!

Birthdates

Dad [quizzing the kids on his impending birthday]: How old am I now?

Jane: 3-3!

Dad: And when do I turn 34?

Jane: On your birthday!

Canine to English Interpretation

Andy [while an educational CD plays in the car, translates for the dog]: Mom, Cassie is talking.

Mom: What is she saying?

Andy [with air quotes]: This song is "boring."

Less Than Helpful Imaginary Friends

Kate: My imaginary friend's name is "2+2" because she knows the answer to every math question in the world. She even knows about animals and everything.

Dad: So does she help you with your homework?

Kate: No. She goes to a different imaginary school.

Bedtime Routine

Mom: So when we get home everyone needs to get their pajamas on and be ready for bed.

Jane: And get a popsicle and watch tv?

Mom: No.

Jane: Oh-kay.

Spelling Emoticons

Kate [deliberately spelling, referring to her roast beef]: I-SPACE-L-O-V-E-SPACE-T-H-I-S-SPACE-B-E-E-F-PERIOD.

Mom: Thank you; that's sweet.

Kate: HEART-SMILEY FACE

Water Sports in the Morning

Dad walks in after riding the mountain bike one morning last week — sweaty and proud of himself for starting the day off right.

Lily (feeling a little left out): Dad, did you go on the water slide?

Dealbreaker

Kate: I'll make you a deal. I'll read you a story and you let me play with the iPhone.

Dad: Sorry, no.

Kate: I tell you what—I'll read you a story and you give me 20 bucks.

The Dog's Day Off

Andy [after spotting the dog on the front porch]: Cassie is outside.

Dad: Where do you think she is going?

Andy: Vacation.

Dependent Inventing

Kate: I wish I were an inventor. I'd make a craft that you build into candy.

Dad: That sounds pretty useful.

Kate: Then I would invent a gun that makes small things get big. Then I would point it at that craft and turn it into even more candy.

Afternoon Pleasantness

Kate: Dad can you come home from work early, like in the middle of the afternoon?

Dad: What would we do?

Kate: We could play games and you could watch me and Jane be nice to each other.

We're Not Even Dating

Andy [to Cassie, the dog, while she furiously licks his face]: Don't kiss me! You're not my girlfriend.

Realistic Expectations

Andy: I want to be a policeman when I grow up.

Speech Therapist [nodding]: That sounds fun.

Andy [with a look of disdain]: Not fun. It's dangerous.

Nature's Cesspool

Kate: Mom, do fish poop?

Mom: I think so--every living thing has to poop one way or another. If it eats, it poops.

Kate: Ugh, I'm never going in the ocean again.

Port Authority

During the course of playing, Andy and Kate knock on Dad's bedroom door in order to gain access to Dad who is waiting on the other side. Kate decides to impersonate Mom, who is obviously eligible for entry.

Kate [in a forcibly lower voice]: It's Mom. I need to come in.

[Prolonged pause]

Andy [not to be left out]: It's Dad. Open the door!

Magic Words

Jane [after dad pours cereal in her bowl]: Milk, now!

Dad: Want to say that differently?

Jane: Now, please!

[Dad reaches for his computer to jot down this exchange.]

Jane: I'm just kidding you.



Picture coincides with conversation.

Feeling Good About Fashion

Kate [responding to Mom's request for examples of word that make us feel 'nice' during a Family Night lesson]: You are my favorite mom in the whole world.

Mom: See, that's a great example.

Kate: No, really.

Mom: Thank you. What else makes Mom feel good?

Kate: I like your shoes.

A suburb of Philly

Kate [stacking her Smarties™ in neat, close columns]: This is a town called Smartyville.

Dad: It looks great. I'll bet the people love living there.

Kate: It's in Pennsylvania.

Giant News

Kate [while listening to news radio with dad]: This sounds really scary.

Dad: It's a scary world.

Kate: Yeah, what is an Oil Giant?

The Lost Ponies Learn About the Food Chain

Kate [improvising a story about ponies]: There was one, all alone, because the others were in a different land, called 'Monster Land,' and they were eaten.

Dad: Why did they go to Monster Land? Didn't they see that coming?

Kate: Well, they wanted to go to 'Bird Land' where they could see birds, but they didn't take a map.

It's for safe keeping.

Andy: Dad, I need a Sprite™.

Dad: Not right now.

Andy [after a few minutes]: Um, Dad, I need your wallet.

Who doesn't prefer chocolate milk?

Jane [sitting at the table, pushes away her cup of water and grabs Andy's chocolate milk while he's not looking]: I don't like water, I only like chocolate milk.

[Jane then grins mischievously.]

Homonyms 101

Dad [with Andy, as we drive by the summer-vacation-dormant school]: Hey, Andy! There's your school!

Andy: Oh.

Dad: Wave to it. Say, "Hi, school."

Andy: It's not High School. Elementary.

Dad: Right you are.

Good Neighbors Have Sugary Cereal

Dad [to Jane, sitting next to him]: What do you want for breakfast?

Jane [clear as a bell]: Do you have any Family Size?

Dad: I don't.

Jane [ponders this]: Do you have to borrow some?

Boredom as an Allergen

Kate: I'm allergic to poison ivy and 'not having fun.' And I'm not having fun.

But it does help.

Kate [to Dad]: I'll always love you. And not just because you have an iPhone.

Love isn't Houdini

Dad [responding to knocking at his door]: Who is it?

Kate: Can I come in?

Dad: What do you need?

Kate: I don't know how to describe it. [pauses] Um, I know! It's, "love." Love is someone who will comfort me and protect me.

[Editor's note: She got in with that last line.]

Don't actually eat your heart out.

Dad [to Kate, while watching a skating movie with the family]: Is she skating with her heart?

Kate: Well, not literally.

The best ingredients

Dad: Do you like pancakes made with love?

Kate: Yes, and Kateness. And maybe a Kate-ism.

Jane at the park - 3

Jane at the park - 2

Jane at the park

Replenish the Kateness

Dad: Do you still have Kateness?

Kate: Of course; it refills each time I take a drink.

Dad: Do you have to drink anything special, or just water and milk?

Kate: Also juice, Gatorade®, lemonade, limeade, and most sodas.

Tooth Fairy Note

The text of Kate's note is transcribed below.



Dear Tooth Fairy —

I lost my tooth, but I still want need deserve compensation. I will be ever grateful if you comply. Please respond to my legal counsel otherwise. Regards,

Kate

P.S. Please leave the rest of the teeth in my mouth alone.

What I'm Going to Do With My Summer Vacation

Dad: Tomorrow's the last day of school!

Kate: And then we get to spend time together.

Protein Clouds

Dad [while watching the complete downpour with Kate]: Do you think it rains when the clouds look down on us all day, get sad from what they see us do, and then cry?

[Kate blinks.]

Dad: Like tonight, when we didn't eat our green beans for dinner.

Kate: I don't need to eat all my green beans. I ate the chicken and that has the protein I need.

Dexterity Come and Gone

[Dad shows off his dexterity by flipping a stack of quarters off his elbow and catching them in mid-air.]

Mom [less impressed than her words indicate]: That's impressive. I remember when you had good coordination.

Jane's Ambition

Family on the Pier

Andy on the Bike - Video

Jane in a Tube

Andy at Soccer

As long as they are cheesy and crunchy

Jane [who is self-correcting the cute mispronunciations indicative of a budding toddler]: I want tackers. I want crackers.

Dad: Do you want "tackers" or "crackers?"

Jane [pauses]: I want goldfish.

How About Plan B?

Mom: I'm tired.

Jane: I'm tired.

Dad [to Jane]: How about you go upstairs, put your pajamas on, and mom can snuggle you to sleep?

Jane [pauses and stammers]: How 'bout...how 'bout I eat my pizza?

Ranking Intelligence

Dad: Do you love me because I'm the smartest?

Kate: You're not the smartest; Grandaddy is.

Dad: Why is that?

Kate [like fingernails on a chalkboard]: Because he knows more than his little boy.

Door Number One

Dad [carries Andy and Kate's school clothes for the day downstairs where Kate is waiting to get dressed]: I've got two sets of clothes here and I'll let you pick. You can either dress in girl clothes or Andy's clothes.

Kate [pauses for effect]: I like to dress in girl clothes, so I'll take "A."

Sugar Trumps Singing

While settling the girls into bed, at Jane's request, we improvised a few songs based on 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.' The song we made for Jane goes something like:

Twinkle, twinkle little Jane,
How I wonder if you made the train.
If you're at the station or on the tracks,
I wish that you would come back.
Twinkle, twinkle little Jane,
Come back soon and see us again.

Then came Kate's song:

Twinkle, twinkle little Kate,
How I wonder what you ate.
If you think that it is yummy,
If you keep it in your tummy, and so on.

Finally we sang Andy's song:

Twinkle, twinkle little Andy,
How I wonder if you'd like some candy.

Jane immediately interrupted by saying "I want some candy! I like candy! Dad, I go poop and get candy beans! Dad, I get candy beans!"

Ouch. Now I feel old.

Kate [in Dad's presence, points to a wedding-day picture of her parents, turns to Andy and quizzes]: Does this remind you of anyone?

The Rock Was Just a Loan

Dad [eyeing the rock in Jane's hand and wondering if it will be used for good or ill]: Give me the rock and you can have a cookie.

Jane thinks this over and promptly complies. In return, she picks a cookie from the plate.

Jane [now using her body to protect half the cookie not in her mouth]: Can I have my rock back, Dad?

[Editor's note: She really talks like this. It's unnerving for a two-year-old to enunciate this well.]

Golden Silence

Dad [fishing for a compliment]: That was a good dinner, wasn't it, Kate?

Kate smiles but says nothing.

Dad: It wasn't?

Kate: I'm speechless.

Hi there.

Dad [while hugging Jane]: I love you.

Jane [pauses and grins]: Hello.

School Mornings are Pleasant

Dad [while pulling into the drop-off line at school]: Thanks, you guys. You did a great job getting ready for school this morning.

Kate [nonchalantly]: It's my pleasure, dad.

Breakfast cereal

Kate and Dad have a running game to rename all breakfast cereals. Here we introduce, "Family Size."

Why do we have the plain stuff at all?

Kate [following a bowl of plain oatmeal with one premixed with brown sugar]: Yes! This one has taste!

Clarity

Kate [walks up to dad and hugs him]: Dad, I love you.

Dad: I love yo..

Kate [interrupting and to the point]: Can I play with the iPhone? That's the main reason I came in.

Self-reliance

Jane [while driving in the car with dad, having just dropped Andy and Kate at school, spots a toy on the car floor]: Dad! I want that doll!

Dad [glances backward over the seat, spots the doll, tries to reach it but finds it out of grasp]: I'm sorry, Jane, I can't reach it.

Jane [pauses, then replies soothingly]: Okay, I got it.

Dad's note: Jane did in fact try to reach the toy only to find that her car seat's restraints held her still. I still admire her gumption.

The Right Answer

Dad [walks into the kitchen and finds Jane applying liberal amounts of parmesan cheese to her last three pasta shells]: What are you doing?

Lily [quickly puts the container on the table and pauses for thought]: I love you, dad.

The Obvious Exterior

Jane [while cuddling with dad in the morning, trying to fully wake up, pulls up the blinds]: Look!

Dad: Are you looking outside? What do you see?

Jane [turns to dad and replies flatly]: Outside.

Dedicated to Kate's Outnumbered Aunts

From a conversation on the way to school that started with Kate pointing out a 12-passenger van and ended with a multiplication lesson.

Dad: How many kids are in your family, including you?

Kate: Three!

Dad: So daddy grew up with nine kids in his family. How many families is that?

Kate [a little more solemn]: Three. But let's count the girls. How many girls?

Dad: Two.

Kate [now holding her fingers to understand this visually, pauses and almost gasps]: Only two?

Proof my kids are mobile

Andy and Kate's school held a fantastically-organized Boosterthon Fun Run last week. After the kids receive pledged donations, a group of very energetic college kids keep them motivated to run two miles. I'm left wondering if the rest of the day was spent with twenty sleeping kids in each class.



Jane got in on the action, too.

Spelling Rhymes

Before starting Andy's spelling homework, I read the words out loud for him to hear the "word family" this week:

Mom: May, Lay, Say, Bay, Pay

Andy: No Way!

Perfectly Nice

Dad: I want you to see me as the nicest dad ever.

Kate: That will never happen.

Dad [ponders this thoughtfully]: Why is that?

Kate: Because nobody is perfect.

Choices are Semantic

Mom: If you have a choice at lunch between an apple and a cookie, which should you choose?

Andy [flatly]: A cookie.

Dad leans over and suggests differentiating between should and healthy.

Mom: If you have a choice between Sprite™ and orange juice, which is healthier?

Andy: Orange juice.

Dad leans back with a smug look on his face.

Kate and the Food Problem

Dad [after Kate said something clever]: You're funny.

Kate [apparently hungry]: Food can help that.

Dad laughs heartily and bear hugs Kate.

Kate [groans]: Are you going to put that on the blog?

Dad: I am now.

[Dad's note: Credit for the name of this post goes to Kate.]

Future Paths

Dad: Can you do something for me? Can you have another 6th birthday and just stay my little girl?

Kate: I'll always be your little girl.

Dad: Even when you're grown-up like dad?

Kate [with a puzzled then matter-of-fact look]: I can't grow up to be a dad. Girls grow up to be moms.

Sanity and Laundry are Interdependent

Mom [after searching extensively for a specific shirt Andy really wants to wear]: I can't find it Andy; I've looked everywhere I know.

Andy: You're a crazy woman.

[Note: the shirt was indeed found, tucked into Andy's book bag by the little guy for safe keeping.]

The End defines the Means

Jane: I want chocolate milk! I want chocolate milk! I want chocolate milk!

Andy [who got himself dressed when asked and made a deal to get Sprite]: I want Sprite, please.

Jane: I want Sprite!

Dad [looking at the almost empty bottle]: I only have enough for Andy.

Jane [very clearly]: I don't like chocolate milk.

Hearing like a Bat

Dad [tiptoes silently through the darkness of Kate and Jane's room, lies down on Kate's bed and pats her head softly to wake her 'nicely,' (Kate's term) then whispers]: Do you want me to carry you downstairs and put some cereal in you?

Jane [apparently a light sleeper with excellent hearing, belts out]: I want cereal!

Potty by proxy

Dad [to Jane]: Please go potty in the bathroom.

Jane: Don't want to.

Andy [looks at his sister, then Dad]: I'll do it.

Digital Photos are still Slides

Dad: Want to see pictures from my trip?

Andy [groans]: It's boring.

Dad: It's not boring. I like these.

Andy [no longer paying attention]: It's still boring.

Worn out

Jane had a good day and decided to wrap it up right here.

The Subtleties of Kate's Flexibility

Dad [to Kate, who is lying on the couch instead of getting ready for school]: You need to get up and get dressed.

Kate [without blinking]: I'm stretching.

Editorial note from Dad: You may think that the blog has been overrun by Dad/Kate-isms lately because Kate is the most talkative of the kids and Dad is the most frequent author. The reality, however, is that Kate reserves most of her clever thoughts for Dad.

Dad is home!

After being away for 5 days, I walked through the door with camera in hand to capture my children's authentic expressions of joy when celebrating dad's return. Here's what I saw, in chronological order.

For the duration

Dad: Okay, I'll snuggle with you for 5 minutes.

Kate [immediately]: That's 300 seconds.

Personal tastes

Kate [looking at her dinner plate]: I don't like this food.

Dad [who deep down doesn't blame her]: Jane likes it, see?

Kate: That's because she doesn't care what it tastes like.

Po-ta-to Po-tah-to

Kate: Tater tots are like cute little hash browns.

Intangible

Kate: Pop quiz! Is "Go" a noun?

Dad: "Go" is not a noun; it is a verb.

Kate: A+. Is "Monster" a noun?

Dad: Yes, "Monster" is a noun.

Kate: Not really. Nouns are things and monsters aren't real.

Buying Power

After receiving money from pa-pa for a stellar report card, Kate announces her purchasing plans.

Kate: A Power Ranger, A Barbie, and a real dragon.

Bribery isn't working

Kate: You're my favorite dad.

Dad: Thanks.

Kate: Mommy is my favorite mom.

Dad: That is nice.

Kate [under her breath]: and my favorite parent.

Blasphemy

Kate [after the video we were streaming stalled]: The iPhone isn't a necessity.

Dad: What?!

Kate: I'm thinking about wants and needs, Dad. And I don't like the iPhone's buffer.

Greetings

Dad: Good morning!

Jane [wide awake]: I want candy.

Dee-Dee-Dee

Kate: There are three "D's" in our family; two daughters and a dog.

Dad: What about "Dad?"

K: No, you're a "Father."

D: How are they different?

K: "Dad" has only 3 letters.

Criteria

Kate [while sitting in the back seat on the way to school]: I feel like an orphan.

Dad: Why is that?

Kate: Because I'm not getting hugged; and orphans don't get hugged.

Birthday wishes

Kate [to Andy]: Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you get everything you want.

Dad [knowing that Andy's ambitions are quite modest]: Actually, Kate, we're going to do everything for Andy that we can.

Kate: You can't make a thunderstorm.

Kate up close

On Christmas Day, 2008.

Go ahead, humor me

Kate [after making dad a PB&J on wheat]: Was it good?

Dad: I can't even tell you how good.

Kate [pauses]: Please?

Healing Brownies

Dad [looking at Kate who is eagerly waiting for the noodles to cook]: If you'll cheer up, we'll have brownies later.

Kate [without hesitation]: I'm already cheered up, dad.

Pun

Andy [after placing a rubber cockroach on dad's arm]: I bug you.

Rapunzel

Dad [after asking who Kate's school friends are]: That sounds like a boy's name.

Kate: Yeah.

Dad: You know you're not allowed to kiss boys, right? If you do I'll lock you in your room.

Kate: Ok.

Dad: I'm serious.

Kate [glances at mom to see if it's really true; mom gives her a confirming look]: I am taking it seriously, dad.

It was a small bubble.

Kate: [upon seeing her school clothes laid out for the morning]: Mom, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you got two shirts for me.

Manners are a matter of context and understanding.

Dad: Would you like syrup on your french toast?

Kate: Always.

Dad: 'Always' doesn't sound like the word 'please.'

Kate: I took it as a 'please.'

Nibbling makes it go too quickly.

Andy [after dinner but before dessert]: I'm sucking my thumb I'm so hungry.

On some level it's all alchemy.

[Dad is in the middle of reading Snow White to Jane.]

Kate: I'm hungry. Can I have something to eat?

Dad: Can I make you a poisoned apple?

K: You're a musician, dad, not a scientist.

Cold Snap

Kate: My fingers are too freezing to snap.

Dad: If your fingers freeze and you try to snap do they break like ice?

K: No. They get too cold and the water makes it slippery.

Spanish has some flexibility

Kate [rebuffing Jane's insistence]: Four words. No. Way. Jo. Sé.

What's in a name?

Kate [while playing with the lego set Stacey sent us]: He's going to jail because he's a Robert.